AdvantEdge Joy@Work Podcast:
AdvantEdge Joy@Work Podcast:

Episode · 6 years ago

LA 003: How to develop good relationships as a leader - Roles Leaders Play

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

"And what do you do?" How many times have you been asked this question? How many times have you asked it? My guess is more than once or twice. We all play a number of different roles. Some are well developed, others less so. Using the right role in relation to another is critical for healthy relationships and better leadership.[/caption] When answering this question, most people respond with their job title or their job function: I'm a banker, I'm the CEO, I'm a teacher. Or they launch into their 'elevator pitch'. We define ourselves often by the major role we play in life. And you know that you are much more than your job: I'm a CEO, husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper, trainer, coach, friend, driver, passenger, dog-walker, saxophonist, cook, customer, We all play a number of different roles. Some are well developed, others less so. Using the right role in relation to another is critical for healthy relationships and better leadership.When answering this question, most people respond with their job title or their job function: I'm a banker, I'm the CEO, I'm a teacher. Or they launch into their 'elevator pitch'. We define ourselves often by the major role we play in life. And you know that you are much more than your job: I'm a CEO, husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper, trainer, coach, friend, driver, passenger, dog-walker, saxophonist, cook, customer, When answering this question, most people respond with their job title or their job function: I'm a banker, I'm the CEO, I'm a teacher. Or they launch into their 'elevator pitch'. We define ourselves often by the major role we play in life. And you know that you are much more than your job: I'm a CEO, husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper, trainer, coach, friend, driver, passenger, dog-walker, saxophonist, cook, customer, We define ourselves often by the major role we play in life. And you know that you are much more than your job: I'm a CEO, husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper, trainer, coach, friend, driver, passenger, dog-walker, saxophonist, cook, customer, eater, cleaner, golfer, author, writer, musician, listener, talker, leader, manager, accountant, salesman, communicator, website builder... and that's just the more positive ones today. Am I good at all these? Not all, and not always. There are days when my golf, for example, is fluent and near perfect; today was not one of those days. Today, I was a "shank it in the water, find every bunker, slice it out of bounds" golfer. Am I good at all these? Not all, and not always. There are days when my golf, for example, is fluent and near perfect; today was not one of those days. Today, I was a "shank it in the water, find every bunker, slice it out of bounds" golfer. There are days when my golf, for example, is fluent and near perfect; today was not one of those days. Today, I was a "shank it in the water, find every bunker, slice it out of bounds" golfer. Read the rest of the article on the website here.

Hi, you're listening to the advantage podcast with me, John Cameron. Hey there, and welcome to this podcast on what leadership role you play. Got a question for you. What do you do? How many times have you been asked this question? How many times have you asked it? My guess is it's the more than once or twice. And when answering this question, most people respond with their job title or their job function. I'm a banker, I'm the CEO, I'm a teacher, or they launched into their elevator pitch. We so often define ourselves by the major role we play in life, and you know that you are so much more than your job. I'm a CEO, husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper. I'm a trainer, a coach, a friend, a driver, a passenger, a dog walker, sack softness, a cook, a customer and eater, a cleaner, a Golfer and author, a writer, a musician, a listener, a Talker, a leader and manager and Accountant, a salesman, a communicator and a website builder. And that's just the more positive ones today. Ay. Am I good at all these? Not at all, and not always. There are days when my goal for for example, is fluid and near perfect. Today was not one of those days. Today I was a Shan Kid in the water to find every bunker, slice it out of bounds. Golfer. What I want to talk about is the different ways we play roles in different situations, in different relationships. I'm going to be looking at the normal role development, how...

...we develop relationship roles, and I will look at a couple of pseudo roles, deficiencies in roles, and then we'll look at how we develop alternate behaviors. So let's start with normal role development. Now, everyone plays a number of different roles in their relationships with others and, according to Dr Carlos Raymundo, the essence of our personality is the sun of the roles that I play as a leader. The way we relate to other people is through a role. The role we play must be complimentary and must include a common link. My effectiveness as a leader is dependent on the effectiveness of the relationship, which is the link between the roles. It is the power between me and another. When we have two complementary roles relating to each other, a link is formed and this is the channel of interaction, enabling the role to mature and grow stronger. The strength of that link depends on the roles that we play, and each time we relate through the link, the role we are playing becomes more developed in this way. But some of the roles we play are poorly developed. Some are well developed. The more you play a role, the stronger the development is. The good news is that we can develop those poorly developed roles and so improve the effectiveness of our relating in different situations with different people. Our most developed roles are usually so because we have much more...

...experience with a more established and complementary role. Somebody who is playing the counter role effectively a good father son relationship develops a strong son role and, in recognized of the strong role model, transfers to a strong father role later in life, as well as strengthening the role of the father. That is when two people in a relationship are playing constructive, complementary roles, they strengthen each other. Such a father son role is constructive, but the normal roles that we play can also be fragmenting or even ambivalent. Constructive role development is a normal expectation as we exercise our roles in a complementary relationship, and in that ideal relationship, both parties have well developed roles and are relaxed with each other, allowing and enabling the link to be formed and the power of the relationship, and hence the roles themselves developed. Think about the well developed roles you exercise and on any roles that you think are poorly developed, what enables or restricts your development of these roles, and the effect of anxiety on personal space and role development plays apart. See, everyone has a space around them. It's one that you perceive belongs to you, your personal space, and I'm sure that you've met someone who felt was a little too close, perhaps someone who put their face close to yours and made you feel intimidated, even scared. I recall a sales meeting with a particular CEEO who talked to me with...

...this face two inches from mine and kept it there the entire time. I honestly thought he was going to head butt me. When you're relaxed and a piece, your personal space contracts get smaller. Other people can get closer to you, both physically and emotionally, but when you're fearful and anxious, your personal space expands, you need more space. People can't get as close. When that CEO that I was talking about came in so physically close, I became tense and needed even more space than I would normally, making the situation even more tense. When our personal space expands, we need more space. Through fear or anxiety, this can interrupt or distort the operation of a particular role. In my own example above, my normal well developed sales role was smothered and I wanted to run from the meeting. A sadly frequent example we hear from clients is the expansion of personal space after coming back home exhausted each evening from work and being unable to relate to a son or daughter as a parent. See as a parent, I have three possible responses. I can go with my reptilian knee jerk emotional response. I attack or withdraw the fight or flight, or two I could adopt a better developed roles, such as that of a teacher or manager, or, thirdly, adopt pseudo which I talked about in a moment. Whatever the choice, the parent role does not develop if it is not used. Let's talk about role deficiencies from moments and...

...a couple are important. Pseudo roles and mega roles. A pseudo role is a copied role. It's not integrated, it does not develop because it is not fueled by the actions, emotions and feelings and thinking associated with a normal role. Such rules are not part of the self or the EGO. They are roles that we adopt to cope with certain situations. Pseudo roles do not become integrated with the self, which only in corporates authentic roles. They are especially evident with people who have had who have suffered high stress levels without the freedom to respond appropriately, and they frequently become protection mechanisms. This is one of the particular situations we find in the workplace where somebody is being forced into a relationship role that they haven't had the opportunity to develop. They are pretending or faking it until they make it. The unfortunate thing is it's not part of them, it's not the way they are. It's so contrary to their self, their ego, that they are always and perpetually uncomfortable in it. But good news about pseudo roles is that the self, that ego, drops them when they are no longer necessary. It's a little like not leading a crutch after the leg has healed from an injury. Any relationship that's built on one or both parties pseudo roll are doomed. The link may initially appear to be there, but they automatically and rapidly deteriorate or dissipate when people find new positions or new friends or a new partner. More often than not, leaders who are unaware of this challenge, pseudo roles die directly as if they were integrated authentic roles, and this is unhelpful, as the owner of the pseudo...

...role will have significant skill in maintaining the charade. Indeed, for some, just attending performance review or a meeting with the bus can create an atmosphere of heightened tension, expanding their personal space, therefore forcing them to adopt a pseudo role because they don't have the strength of the relationship in the so called normal role. That doesn't exist for them. It's not possible to reach a person through the space when you have created too much fear and anxiety. Think of the time in your life when you've adopted a pseudo role, pretended to be someone you are not. What was the situation? How long did the relationship last. The second common deficient role is a mega role. It's often at the expense of other roles. Mega rolls are over developed. Such roles dominate due to a lack of stimulation of other roles and, once dominant, can prevent other roles from being stimulated. The you frequently heard example of a mega role I hear from clients is managing my children. The role of manager is well and developed and we may use this when a more appropriate role, such as parent, is not so well developed. We can become a specialist and only function effectively as a specialist. Therefore, we manage our children, we manage our friends, we manage every relationship because our manager role is very strong. A leader, for example, who knows only how to relate people as a leader, may have a poorly developed role as a friend or spouse, tending to lead that friend rather than just be a friend. Think of a...

...time when you've played a mega role or recall one that you have experienced. So we've looked at normal role development and we've looked at a couple of role deficiencies and I mentioned earlier about the roles being constructive, fragmenting or ambivalent, and I want to dig a little bit more into this as we look at developing alternate behaviors. The first step in developing appropriate behaviors in a relationship is to recognize the roles of each party. Every role played is always in relation to a counter roll. A parent role is often appropriately counted by a child role, a teacher by a student, a manager by staff, a colleague by a colleague, and we need to consider how the role is being played. For example, a concerned parent should be countered by an obliging child. That is likely to work. However, a concerned manager concountered by a resentful staff is likely to have some relationship issues. It is often the how part of doing a particular role that people find the most difficulty in developing. It's your agility as a leader to flex the way you play your role. The role itself may stay the same, but the way of playing that role can change. So first we examine the role we are playing and how we are doing it. Is the role I'm playing constructive, is it fragmenting or is it ambivalent? Then we can examine the counter role being played by the other...

...person in the relationship. Thirdly, we can examine what we need to do to change to move the relationship forward? Do I change the role that I'm playing? Do I change how I am playing that role, or do I change both? Consider the following roles and the counter rolls and what could change to improve the relationship. The fearful leader and the resentful staff. Fearful leaders the example of an ambivalent role. Leader is positive. Fearful is negative. The way the leader is doing leader is in a fearful manner. Resentful staff the role and playing is staff in a resentful way. That is also ambivalent. It's a negative way to play a positive role. If you combine the two, you have the fearful leader and the resentful staff in a relationship. What would happen? Let's look at another couple of ambivalent type roles, the procrastinating manager with a stressed out team member. The roles are positive, but the manner of doing it is negative. What would happen when you have a procrastinating manager in relationship with a stress stayout team member? Would anything be said? Let's look at another amberl vivalent pair, a patronizing colleague with a boastful friend. The colleague with the friend has difficulty in working as it is but...

...being a patronizing colleague and a boastful friend? I don't know. I think that would lead to a bit of a fisticuff fight. Let's look at another couple of roles. Who the loving disciplinarian with the guilty liar? Loving is a positive way. Disciplinarian could be viewed in two ways. It could be viewed as a positive role model. It will be by those people who are Disciplinarians, but the role of disciplinary into a lot of perhaps rebellious type of individuals would be considered to be a negative role. So it's either ambivalent because it's positive in a negative way, or it's positive and positive. The guilty liar. Guilty is certainly a negative way to be responding, and liar, I think most people consider also to be a negative role. This would be a fragmenting role. It destroys relationships. What about a gentle clarifier, a very constructive role, but with an impatient interruptor, a fragmenting role. What would happen in that relationship? The pushy salesperson, of an ambivalent type of role, with the doubtful prospect. Another ambivalent role, the demanding boss with the fearful child. From these examples and a few look at the downloadable report or the slide that we have available for this. You can see on the table that some roles are constructive. Both the role and the how are positive,...

...such as the gentle current clarifier. Others are fragmenting. Both a role and the how our negative, for example the guilty liar, and some are ambivalent. Either the role or the how are negative. They patronizing colleague. It is often the ambivalent roles that actually destroy relationship. Negative role, negative manner of doing it, a positive and a positive even when the two are are together, the relationship is not good to start with. However, an ambivalent one destroys existing relationships. Once we clarify perceptions, and please remember that your perception is your reality, just as their perception is their reality, the role and counter role can be unraveled and resolved. It is a great way to objectively look at what role am I plaguing here, what role is he or she plaguing here, and how are they doing it? Not In a judgmental way, but in order to help you and then move your relationship forward. Each and every day we play a number of different roles. If we want our relationship developed, then it is in our interest to develop the appropriate and constructive roles that enable those relationships to grow. I hope you've enjoyed this your podcast and I hope you've gotten something from it. And, more importantly, what are you going to do about it? Think about the roles that you are playing, both at home and in your workplace, and then think...

...objectively of how you are doing that. What words, what verbs in particular, would describe the manner in which you are playing a particular role, and then, as objectively as you possibly plan, consider the roles that other people in your various relationships are playing. Look at those and look at the strong relationships that you have with the individuals and see what the constructive behaviors are that perhaps you can continue to develop, so long as they don't become mega roles and take over from situations where a more appropriate role would be considered to be better. And, of course, if you want to discuss this, please do join the conversation in the comments box below the podcast if you've downloaded this from our website, or send me an email ask questions. I'm more than happy to discuss ways in which you can learn how to develop your roles in a constructive way, and those of your team members as well. You've been listening to the advantage podcast with me, John Camera, to find out more. Visit US had cells incom.

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