AdvantEdge Joy@Work Podcast:
AdvantEdge Joy@Work Podcast:

Episode 118 · 2 months ago

In Control or Controlling? Part 3: The Antidote to Controlling, Stress and Performance Anxiety

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

This is Part 3 of a four part series asking the question: "Are you In Control" or "Controlling"?

In this edition os the AdvantEdge Joy@Work Podcast, we're learning how wee can break free from the "Controlling" cycle and get "In Control".

Stress, worry, and perfromance anxiety can be crippling your life. It's not always easy to break free of the spiral of anxiety but there is a simple solution for most people that does not involve medication or therapy.

It's so shockingly simple that many people scoff at the idea. But the thing is, it works. It's how your brain works and this is a simple technique that you can employ immediately to break your brain out of the Controlling cycle and give your Frontal Lobes a chance to oput the breaks on and stop your stinkin' thinkin. 

When you understand what is happening in your brain you'll see why it works, and, I absolutely guarantee, you can do this. This is not like getting your body fit by going to the gym 6 times a week or training to run a marathon. It's even easier than going to the toilet and takes about the same amount of time. In fact, you can even do this whilst doing your toilet business. In fact, that's a particularly excellent time to practice.

Are you in control or controlling? This is part three, the antidote to controlling stress and performance anxiety. Again, I think it will be helpful if we do a quicker cap. In part one, we learned how your locus of control impacts the choices that you make. It's the extent to which you believe that you, as opposed to external forces, have control over your life, and how someone with an external locus of control is more likely to react to challenges and anxiously worrying, giving them the illusion of controlling those external tools. We also learned that we all face challenges every day and that, whilst we may not like them nor enjoy facing them, they are essential to our growth and learning. In part two, we went through the controlling cycle, through the freeze, fight or flight reaction to the COULDA, woulda shoulder zone of worry which, when perpetuated by an admittant l hijack spirals, are brain into this illusion of control that steals all the brains energy and prevents the prefrontal Cortex from putting the brakes on. Now we want to learn how to break from the controlling cycle and how to be in control. How do we break the Control Cycle? And get in control. This cycle is the realm of the conscious frontal lobes of the brain. In particular, your prefrontal CORTEX needs to assume command. The only realissue here is that the conscious brain is slower to respond and the unconscious brain, your unconscious brain, is ready and fired up to head off down the path of futility. Of COULDA woulder, shoulder, but you're ready for it and you pause and breathe, suck in a...

...deep, slow lungfull of oxygen and breathe out swiftly. That helps trick your brain to reduce the courties old build up, because if you are breathing like that, then it must be safe out there. What a swimmer at the start of a race, a speaker on the side stage about to go on? You pause and breathe and then you experiment with a possible solution, always through the issue ahead. You treat every failure as is feedback that allows you to learn what doesn't work so well, and you view the effort as the path to mastery and you persist and you look to others who have succeeded and get inspired by them and you persist. You keep on keeping on experimenting with a twist, a change, an alternative, and you persist until you get your optimal result. It cannot be this easy to fix us. It is simple, it's not always easy. Sure it might seem a little disappointing that it's this simbol for anyone who's been struggling with worry and anxious thinking and reacting poorly, two issues and challenges. We want it to be a real challenged were overcome. If it were this simple, surely everyone would be able to do it, and they can, but it's not always easy. The law...

...of the controlling cycle is that bias of illusion of control, and we each have our own special helping of cognitive biases to steer US less well than perhaps should. When you understand what is happening in your and you'll see why it works, and I absolutely guarantee that you can do this. This is not like getting your body fit by going to the gym six times a week or training to run a marathon. It's even easier than going to the toilet and takes about the same amount of time. In fact, you can even do this whilst doing your toilet business. In fact, that's a particularly excellent time to practice. You can learn my pausing and breathing works in the brain by following the link in the show notes. Earlier, you mentioned that we are, do you, both controlling and in control. Sometimes we weld our hands into tight fists of Control, this pseudo power of pretense, as we hold worried close and churn and ruminate over the injustices of life, as if worrying ever made anything go away or made you an inch taller. Another time we're determined and driven to persist and overcome whatever anyone throws in our way, and we experiment with possibilities and learn and try again until we achieve our victory and celebrate with those who helped us win this particular battle. Someone catches you off guard and pushes your buttons. That sets off your Amigdala hijack. Before you realize it, you would down that rabbit hole. But any times that you notice yourself heading down could, I would, should, a Zonne stop and breeze, give your frontal loads a chance to bring some rational, conscious thinking...

...to bear on the situation. If neither is good or bad, that really begs two questions. Do we always win the battle when we are in control, and do we always lose the battle when we are controlling kill art's address that first question. Do we always win the battle when we are in control? Not at all. If we persist an experiment until we get the optimal result possible, then we will win, whether or not we achieve our desired result. But there are times when giving up is actually the wise thing to do. The cost of overcoming this particular obstacle is simply too great. The benefits of winning do not warrant the high cost. Wisdom is using the discernment to weigh the different and making the best choice given all the new information. And yes, you have chosen to settle for a suboptimal result. It's worth emphasizing here that if you strive for perfection always, and by the way, everybody thinks they are a perfectionist, then you need the wisdom to know when the optimal result has been achieved. Otherwise you procrastinate about continuing now. The second question is, do we always lose the battle when we are control? Link. Yes, when we allow our mind to fret about the future, what if, or find about the past, if only, it's giving our brain the illusion of control. But you cannot control events outside of yourself.

You cannot control the outside world, the environment, the weather, gravity, for example. Nor can you control other people because, like you, they have a choice. There are people who try, and have tried, to control other people and they will continue to do so. But, as Victor Frankel shares, you are not always free to choose the conditions in which you find yourself, but you are always free to choose your attitude towards those conditions and thus always free to find your life meaningful. If you remain at effect in your life, eventually you lose all sense of meaning and purpose in your life and soon spiral into depression and despair. That's a pretty bleak prospect. How do you get back to being a cause and in control? You have a choice, as Bruce Lee taught us. You have a choice. You are the master of your attitude. Choose the positive, the constructive. It's not always an easy choice and it's not wrong to be at effect. It's a choice. If you must satisfy the suboptimal results, that's your choice, and I don't mean to belittle anyone's pain and struggle and the difficulties that you may be facing in getting out of this spiral. And if you need help to do so, then please reach out to someone and get the help that you need. It's easy to get into a spiral and desperately trying to control everything. And as you realize that you cannot control anything, in the noil moment, well, some people step up their efforts to control everything and everyone,...

...using more and more resources. You can get as angry as a bull or tilt at windmills, but remember every worm will eventually turn. The place to be ready and aware is the moment you notice a challenge a head. As soon as you spot the challenge, your threat response is often running. Your heart beat a little faster, your breathing moves up in your chest, getting more shallow and faster. You may perspire a little more than the ambient temperature suggests. Is Right. Your brain feels alert and your eyes narrow and focus. Your hands might tighten me into fists. There's tension in your body and your legs get ready to run. Take Note, there's a challenge and now is the time to pause and breathe. But what if it really is a lion at the water cooler? Well, then pausing and breathing might give you a moment consider a better response than running from something that is faster than you, and if you get caught, well, you'll be saving your friends by slowing the lion down. Seriously, a real threat like a lorry bearing down on you as you cross the road, trust your brain to be faster than you, and that extra adrenaline might make you fast enough or strong enough to prevail. If pausing and breathing alone at that moment before you head into worry doesn't do it for you, then you will get to a point where you can choose to switch cycles. Most often, I found the place to build a bridge is just after you realize the suboptimal results of your last cycle,...

...and I've had your pity party, and before you take on the next challenge. I call it the Review Ridge from survival to creative vision. In fact, build a review it for every challenge, and this is where journaling daily can be hugely beneficial. How do you cross your review rich? Well, you've had your pity party. The only people that came were the crabs who pull you down any time you try and get out of the bucket. Stop Mixing with those people. After your pity party, stop breathe. Think about the obstacle you just faced. And how you approached it and consider the obstacles you perceive to be ahead of you. What was the real challenge for me with this last challenge? Did I try to avoid the challenges? Should someone else have dealt with this? And if you answer yes, you go back to the top. Did I make excuses for myself, lamenting that if only I had more x while or zed or less D ef I could? Did I fret over various what if scenarios that make the task impossible? Now you start to move away from survival vision and over to a creative vision. With the challenges ahead, stop breathe. Do I want a suboptimal result? Am I prepared to put in the effort, to experiment in ways to overcome or address the challenges? Is there one thing I can do now that will...

...at least begin addressing the challenge? Do I want the best possible result? Am I committed to finding the optimal result? Is there anyone else to blame for this? By the way, if you want a yes to that last question, you go back and you start again. Once we are in control, we want to learn how to to be more in control, and that involves some oxymronic advice which will get into in our fourth and final part. What do I do if I need help to do this? The first step is to talk to someone you trust, a medical doctor, a pastor a true friend, maybe a coach or mental remember, everyone has a greater or lesser issue with this, because we all have a brain wired the same way and we all, in some situations, are at effect. The covid pandemic has made us painfully aware of the fact. It's just not a cycle that stimulates learning and growth. WHAT DO PEOPLE DO IF THEY WANT TO CONSIDER COACHING? If you want to consider coaching, you can learn more about advantage coaching so that you can have joy of work and your team to become united interest and collaboration. Contact us through the links on the show notes and a range of complimentary, conflidential, no obligation, discovery session be greatly blessed. Thank you, Dr John, for your insights into breaking free of controlling to become in control. Remember to subscribe on your favorite platform and share this edition of the advantage joy at work podcast with friends and colleagues who would benefit. Thank...

...you for listening and we'll see you for the final part next.

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