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Episode · 3 years ago

How Strong Leaders Handle Rejection and Criticism (And Keep On Keeping On)

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

I just returned from a long and exciting trip to Israel where I was reminded that even the very best of us face rejection and are criticised. Encourage It seems that it does not matter whether your intentions are to help and serve others. It doesn't matter if you are the kindest, gentlest, most loving and caring person the world has ever seen. You will face rejection. And you will probably face rejection by those you truly would think should be the tribe you can most trust, your own family, your own people. In fact, oftentimes, it's those closest to you whose rejection hurts the most. The chance of being rejected by someone used to be limited to our social and work circle and our dating pool. Nowadays, thanks largely to social media and technology, our posts, chats, profiles, pictures can all be easily ignored, disliked or flamed by a multitude of vague acquaintances. And rejection hurts deeply. Its wounds pierce our very soul and hit the core of our being. It has happened to you and it will happen again in the future, so how can we equip ourselves now to overcome rejection and soothe the sting of rejection? Develop it will greatly help to understand why rejection hurts and what is happening inside the brain. Before we dive into ways we can soothe our rejection, it will greatly help to understand why it hurts and what is happening inside the brain. When researchers placed volunteers in functional MRI machines asking them to recall a recent rejection, they found something astounding. When we experience rejection, the area that lights up on the fMRI is the same area activated when we experience physical pain. But social rejection is worse than stubbing your toe or even being punched in the face because physical pain diminishes over a short period of time. Research shows that even being rejected by a total stranger can simultaneously make you feel sad and angry. Indeed, your brain doesn't distinguish who or what is rejecting you, the same response applies. Whether it's someone in your own group or someone you don't relate to at all. Whether it's a human being or a computer rejecting you, being ostracised stings! Sadly, the greatest damage of rejection is self-inflicted. For most people, the natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or being the last person picked for a team is not to lick our wounds and get back on form but to become incredibly self-critical. We feel disgusted with ourselves, call ourselves names, lament how we are truly not worthy, and dwell on our shortcomings. This means that just at the moment when our self-esteem has taken a beating, we lay it on the ground and give it a good kicking ourselves. It's when that self-damaging refrain learned from a very young age that "I am not good enough" repeats it's toxic mantra. In the days of our long-ago ancestors, rejection served a vital function. Being ostracised from our tribe in our hunter/gatherer past was akin to a death sentence, as you would be unlikely to survive long alone. The same area (the anterior cingulate cortex) of the brain that is constantly on the watch for danger or change in the environment is the same place scanning for the social clues that might point towards a future rejection. It was so vitally important to continue to belong to a tribe that mimicking intense physical pain is a terrific way to get our attention. Those who paid attention early were more likely to correct their behaviour and remain in the tribe. It's all happening in the primitive part of our "critter" brain. As modern evolved human beings we did not, unfortunately, evolve a more reasoned response that would negate the need to gain our vivid attention. Rejection still has a way of destroying a person's life in a way that few other things can. And the number of people affected by rejection is staggering. Why do people face rejection or being ostracised by others? Few people who have rejected someone else can readily explain their reasoni

What's better today. And welcome to the leadership advantage to podcast. I think Dr John Kenworthy. The leadership advantage isn't some magic pill or silver volumet instant success as a leader. I'm sharing the art and neuroscience of having expert leadership. The unstuck your potential in life and work. Hey, thew and welcome to this edition of the leadership advantage. How strong leaders handle rejection, criticism and keep on keeping on. As you will probably know, I just returned from a long and exciting trip to Israel, where I was reminded that even the very best of us is rejected and criticized. It seems that does not matter whether your intentions are to help and serve others, it doesn't matter if you're the cleanest, the gentlest, the most loving and caring person the world has ever seen, you will face rejection, and you'll probably face rejection by those you truly would think should be the tribe you can most trust, your own family, your own people. In fact, oftentimes is those closest to you whose rejection hurts the most. The chance of being rejected by someone used to be limited to our social and work circle and are dating pool nowadays, thanks largely to social media and technology, our posts, chats, profiles, pictures, everything can all easily be ignored, disliked or flamed by multitude and...

...the vague acquaintances. And rejection hurts deeply. It's wounds pierce our very soul and hit the core of our being. It has happened to you and it will happen again in the future. So how can we equip ourselves now to overcome rejection and soothe the sting of rejection? But before we dive into ways we can soothe our rejection, it will greatly help to understand why it hurts and what is happening inside the brain. Now, when researchers place volunteers and functional MRI fmri machines, asking them to recall a recent rejection, they found something astounding. When we experience rejection, the area that lights up on the FMRI is the same area activated when we experience physical pain. But social rejection is worse than stubbing your toe or even being punched in the face, because physical pain diminishes over a short period of time. Research shows that even being rejected by a total stranger can simultaneously make you feel sad and angry. Indeed, your brain doesn't distinguish who or what is rejecting you. The same response applies whether it's someone in your own group or someone you don't relate to at all, whether it's a human being or a computer rejecting you. Being ostracized stings. Sadly, the greatest damage of rejection is self inflicted. For most...

...people, the natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or being the last person picked for a team is not to lick our wounds and get back on form, but to become incredibly self critical. We feel disgusted with ourselves, call ourselves names, lament how we are truly not worthy and dwell on our shortcomings. This means that just at the moment when our self esteem has taken a beating, we lay it on the ground and give it a good kicking ourselves. It's when that self damaging refrain, learnt from a very young age that I am not good enough, repeats. It's toxic mantra. In the days of our long ago ancestors, rejection served a vital function. Being ostracized from our tribe and our hunt to gather a past was akin to a death sentence. As you will be unlikely to survive long alone. The same area, actually, the anterior singulate cortex of the brain that is constantly on the watch for danger or change in the environment, is the same place that scanning for those Social Quelus that might point to awards a future rejection. It was so vitally important to continue to belong to a tribe that Mimi King intense physical pain, while it's just a terrific way to get our attention, and those who paid attention early were more likely to correct their behavior and remain in the tribe. It's all happening in the primitive part of our critter brain, but as modern, evolved human beings, we did not. Unfortunately, if all, they more reasoned response that would negate the need to gain l vivid attention, rejection still has a way of destroying a person's life in a way...

...that few others can, and the number of people affected by rejection is staggering. So why do people reject or Rostro size others? Few people who have rejected someone else can readily explain the reasoning, and that's because it has little to do with reason. Take a moment to test yourself for the last time that you rejected someone chure. Of course you can justify it to your own satisfaction, but what were the underlying causes? The Sun it's the behavior of the other person, something they did or did not do that you considered to be unacceptable. For others, it's because they don't share your values, your beliefs, your personality type or your societal conventions, or they failed to meet your expectations of them. Ninety nine percent of the time it's one of these three things. Are So what happens when you're behaving badly? Sometimes people reject us because of our bad that is unacceptable, wrong, ugly, contrary, different behavior in our interactions with them in such a way that makes them uncomfortable or upset. That is their brain registers our actions as something that they wish to avoid, as it is deemed by their critter brain to be some sort of threat to the sanctity of the tribe. The chances are very high that we do not realize nor recognize anything wrong with our own behavior. But then we judge ourselves by our intentions, whilst we judge others by their actions. We don't intend to make other people uncomfortable and probably don't consider anything about our...

...behavior as reasonable cause for their reaction. Get there, it is how behavior upsets them, which means that they are not rejecting us the human being. They are rejecting our behavior, and we can choose to change our behavior, or it's the clashing of the titans. People sometimes simply reject anyone whose values, beliefs or personality traits are incompatible with their own. The world is filled with people who have a different opinion on certain topics to by our own. If you support the other party, or you pray to a different God, or pray to the same God but in a different way, or support the wrong football team, and so many more labels that we might use to describe ourselves, even the color of one's skin, your gender or any choice you make. Some people hold their beliefs, values and life choices so tightly that they will instantly reject any one who is not completely aligned. Others may simply choose not to trust you and hence partially reject us. And then there's the great expectations. When we don't live up to someone's expectations, we may be rejected, even if, in your opinion, those expectations are unknown or unrealistic for anyone else to expect. There are many parents who have rejected their child because they didn't get the right grade or follow the parents preferred career path that the doctor accompt et Cetera. There are ex partners who expected you to stay young and fit as they grew old and round, or you become too clingy or too distant and or to argumentative or too compromising. There are ex friends...

...who waited for you too many times or disliked it when you paid attention to someone else or you changed your religion. Whatever the reason for rejection, it hurts because reason is drowned out by the forward, hitting emotion that is your brain. Chemicals have already done their work in your critter brain before you can consciously choose whether to override the feelings using your executive brain. So we're going to know how to respond to rejection. Your first reaction is likely to be a combination of sadness and anger. Is Not unusual to lash out at someone close to you, both physically and emotionally. In fact, that maybe your first noticeable sign that you are feeling rejected. Teenagers screech of their parents, husband shout at wives. WIVES SOB in the bathroom. As often as not, their feeling rejected and may not even know it. Recognize that something is wrong and stop a moment to recall the trigger. If it's a feeling of rejection, that special cocktail of sadness and anger where you feel less loved, less oxytosive and more tense, ready to fight or run away. The adrenal ensurgy then established whether the trigger could have been your bad behavior, a clash of beliefs or values, or your failure to live up to others expectations. But why should I have to do this? Isn't it their fault? John will remember, most of the damage rejection causes is self inflicted after the event. Those rejecting you are probably not even aware and almost certainly don't care what you're going through, and they ain't going to change. But you can help...

...you now it's tempting to let our sadness and anger run its course. Maybe you'll feel better, eventjoy, maybe you'll tip over the edge and do something regrettable and the irreversible. Fortunately, there are healthier and better ways to respond to rejection, things that we can do to soothe our emotional pain. We build self worth and curb unhealthy responses. Here are three plus one more. The first one is kill your inner critic. In the aftermath of rejection, it's tempting to recite all of your faults and beat yourself up for whatever you did wrong. Still top IT. Please do review what happened as factually and objectively as you can and consider alternatives for the future. But labeling yourself with derogatory terms such as I'm such a loser, I'm an idiot. They not help thinking. I should probably avoid talking about my political opinions at work. Yeah, that's probably fine, and please remember most rejection are due to fit and circumstance. It's not personal. Unearthing all of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn't work out is unnecessary and he's likely to be misleading. Second thing you do is revive your self esteem. Yes, yourself worth has taken a big hit and it's important to remember what you have to offer. Remind yourself of all the attributes of yourself that are valuable, things that make you a good teammate, a partner, friend, employee. Is a little technique for you really going to help? List five positive qualities about yourself that are important and matter and write them out by hand. If you're struggling to find them, I've got a list where you can find on the...

...show notes about positive qualities. Have a look at them. Think of the five that really resonate with you that these are your five qualities. Write them out by and preferably, because that gives you an exacting memory. This is emotional first aid and it will lift levels of Oxytocin and Serotonin in your brain, which will soften those feelings of rejection and replace them with acceptance and pride. So you killed your inner critic, you've revived your self esteem and in want to enhance your feelings of social connection. Remember the other person or other people may not actually have rejected you. You just think they have. But you are a social creature and we all need to feel wanted and valued by the social groups to which we belong, or we would like to belong. Rejection destabilizers. This need, leading US feeling unsettled and untethered, and we need to remind ourselves, as one group or individual may have rejected us, we are valuable a matter to others. If your own team didn't invite you to lunch today, go and grab a coffee with your exercise buddies instead. When your partner ignor was your text, call your mom for a chap and remind yourself the joy of hearing your voice. Bring this to others. When your child gets rejected by the playground football pick, make a plan to look them up with a different friend as soon as possible. And one more. And when all's said and done, there are some people in this world who are simply not going to like you, and that's okay. It's their loss. Sometimes there's a group of people where you want to be. They're cool...

...kids, the indique clubs, the Trendy said. The trouble is, they don't want you. Maybe it's your behavior, maybe it's your belief, maybe you make them feel bad about themselves. Maybe you're not rich enough, cool enough, pretty enough, talented enough, and it really is all Hoko. The simple truth is that they are not worthy of you, and that's they're bad. Even the Lord Jesus was rejected and he advised his disciples that whoever does not welcommune to listen to your message. As you leave a house or city, shake the dust off your feet, breaking all ties with and that's across regalspels, Matthew, mark and Luke. Don't waste your weight, your honor, Your glory, your respect. In Hebrew they have a beautiful word for the it's Covod, the weightiness on those who are unaccepted. For everyone else, accept one another, as Romans fifteen tells us, and edify them and include them. Go Out of your way for those that reject you. Dust off your feet. It's their lots. For everyone else. Accept one another, edify, include and love. Be Greatly blessed by form. I hope that you really enjoyed this episode and will share some highlights with the people you care about most. My team and I are working on a series of...

...exciting new project in this art and neuroscience of hacking expert leadership. To unstuff your true potential in life and work. To learn more. Visit Leadership Advantagecom what. Just search for Dr John Kenworthy and connect with.

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